October 31, 2005 @ 17:39
I've been here before and I know the waySometimes I feel like I'll never get a job, and that I'm going to have to move in with my sister and be her nanny. On these days, it's like I'm standing in the desert with an empty cup, waiting for the water cart.Sometimes, I feel like my life is progressing too fast, and that I'm not ready for all this. On those days, it's like I'm being dragged behind a horse (a horse named Freckles, obviously), and I'm hitting every fucking stone in the road, but dammit, I'm not letting go.
This weekend was BossMan's retirement symposium, so a bunch of old guys descended on Athens to give lectures on soil ecology. They weren't ALL old, but there was definitely an old guy TREND happening. Then there were all of us young soil folk, clearing paths for ourselves in a field where so many old people have trampled the flowers before us. It's a relatively young discipline. Younger than say, geometry, or physics, anyway. The pioneers of soil ecology are still mostly ALIVE.
There were also very few women at the Festival d'BossMan. I am a young woman breaking into an old man's club. I did okay. I was mentioned in a satirical poem about BossMan's life, and my picture was in the tribute presentation, neither of which I authored. At least everybody knows my name, right? I didn't get any guaranteed job offers, but I did get a lot of exposure.
No, I did NOT drop my pants. Shut up, you.
I could go to France, or Sweden, or India, or New Zealand. I can't go to Antarctica, because I wouldn't pass the physical, but really, that's the only place I couldn't go at this point. I want to be near my nephews, but even Stephanie (the family guilt-tripper) sounded excited about the possibility of an overseas appointment. "It would be too good to pass up, you'd be an idiot!" she says, while feeding her newest baby, David Aaron. I could hear Alex in the background, making screeching tire noises, and my heart exploded in a million pieces.
Could I go?
Would I be a stranger to my beautiful nephews? Is it the same to send gifts from far away places if I can't be there to kiss them on their cute chubby faces? I forgot my own brother's birthday yesterday. Will I miss ALL the good stuff?
Would I ever come back? This rabbit cannot be trusted. I know people who have been all over the world, some have gone several times now. People like us, like my family, we don't go places. We didn't have senior class trips to London, or short courses in Costa Rica for college credit. Nobody joined the Peace Corps and dug wells in Lilongwe. We never vacationed in Europe or sailed anywhere that wasn't Lake Michigan. My family lives in Detroit. They will always live in Detroit. People like us, we don't go places.
But if I could? I lived in Hawai'i once. That's as far as I got. I almost stayed forever. There's a bit of me still there, waiting. I can't spare too many pieces. I can't leave them all over the world. I need them. I used to be such a big thinker. I never went anywhere, so I would lie in bed, dreaming about all the places I would live. I wrote short stories about my life in Botswana or Dublin or Moscow or Kathmandu. I did extensive research on all my favorite places. I put the fear of Africa in my mother, "Go anywhere you want, just don't go there. Please don't go there," she said.
But now all I want to do is go home. I want to kiss my boys so hard I give them strawberries on their cheeks. I want to help my mom decorate for Christmas. I want to help my brother lanscape his yard. I want to care for my sister so she can care for her babies. Why don't they live somewhere more exciting? I'm just homesick, that's all.
Carry on, Freckles, drag me a bit further down the road. I'll be okay.
